relationships-advice

Relationship commitment. A lifelong goal for some, and others, a thought that puts shivers down their spine. While many would love to settle down and grow closer to someone over a period of years, the thrill of the chase is much more satisfying for everyone else.

Growing up, meeting someone, and getting married is a natural progression for most of the population. Albeit a dwindling past time now in the twenty first century. Marriage is becoming less popular while divorce rates increase periodically. Looking for Mr or Mrs right, finding them, and settling down, and bring up a family is a fantastically rewarding experience.

Meeting the right person is a must for this to be a lifelong enjoyable experience. Does the person want the same things out of life, and will they be willing to go that extra mile to get them. Are they genuine in everything they say? Trust is a major factor in any relationship. When someone says “I love you”, they have to mean it. No relationship can be a long term happy affair if one of you doesn’t mean this when they say it.

The relationship doesn’t have to be based on a contract, you just need the spark to be sustained throughout. It has to stay as fresh as the first few weeks or months. If boredom has a chance of setting in, that’s when the relationship can break down. Keep the romance alive, continue to do the things that you do in the early days of your relationship. Leave little notes for your partner, and bring a gift when you arrive home from work.

If problems occur they have to be discussed as soon as possible. Letting something brew for a period of time will only magnify it. The sooner a problem is talked about the more chance you have of getting it resolved, then the relationship can continue.

Relationship commitment is a journey that will have it’s ups and downs, and many rewards at the same time. Nothing can be more satisfying than raising a family, and growing old with a loving partner. This is something the thrill chasers will surely miss out on, either by never committing to anything, or giving up just when it starts to serious.

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We acquire our values from different sources. In the beginning our values are given to us by our parents. Speak truth, help others, do this and do not do that and things like that. After sometime, we get more values in our education. We read about values of great people and try to live by some of them. Our religion gives us many values. How to live, what is right, what is wrong and what is allowed, what is not allowed are some values that we get from the religion? Today if you observe the difference between pro and anti abortion lobbies, you will find a values conflict. In your relationship, have you found out values of your partner? Have you spelled out your values?

Values are dear to us. For some of us, values are very dear. It is found that some people even give away their life to safe guard their values. Such value contradiction can play havoc with your relationship. Some of us sympathize with poor and try to help them, while others opine that poor need not be helped, as it is their karma that is giving them this pain. Let them suffer. This singular value difference can kill your relationship, if you both are not ready to compromise on them.

Please talk to your partner about your values in the beginning of the relationship. Spell out your values very clearly and be honest that you will not compromise on any of them. Let your partner do the same. Compare the values and discuss the differences. Decide at that point about the relationship. Both of you should be aware that the difference can kill the relationship in future. Take any step forward only after this value comparison.

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Our romantic relationships have the potential to bring us great happiness but can also be the source of great pain and suffering. At the start of a relationship we fall ‘head over heals’ in love and it seems that our dream has come true. Unfortunately these joyous feelings can fade and then we struggle to feel love for our partner. So how can we re-discover those wonderful feelings that we experienced at the start of the relationships?

Here are ten things you can do that will improve your relationship and will allow you to fall in love with your partner all over again!

1. Relationship difficulties may be painful but they represent the best chance you and your partner have to heal your insecurities and build a better relationship. Within each problem is an issue that both of you have, that is driving you apart - try to see problems as opportunities for improving the relationship. The trick is to find out what the emotional issue is at the heart of the problem.

2. Whenever you feel emotional pain in a relationship, resist the temptation to move away from your partner. This is the very time you need each other. Take courage and move towards your partner both physically and emotionally.

3. Communication about feelings and fears is what heals relationships. Always make this your objective. Try to find out what your partner is feeling. Expressing your own feelings with honesty and sensitivity will encourage your partner to do the same. Remember even bad behaviour is a form of communication!

4. Nobody can make you feeling anything that you are not already feeling subconsciously. It is hidden and unhealed emotional pain that is triggered by your partner’s behaviour. Be willing to gain emotional awareness, take responsibility and heal these insecurities. As Ghandi said – “be the change you want to see in the world” – the same applies in our relationships.

5. Appreciate your partner for all their strengths, gifts and beauty - tell them and show them how much you love them. This is what you did when you fell in love with them, and it will work throughout your relationship. There is no reason that the ‘Honeymoon’ stage of a relationship cannot last forever.

6. If you feel let down by your partner or feel that they are not giving you something important in the relationship, give them exactly the thing you are lacking. Almost magically they will then give you the same thing back!

7. Sex can be a beautiful celebration of love in a relationship - this is why we call it making love! Allow sex to move from a purely physical experience to one that is full of shared emotion – pour love into your partner as you have sex and make strong eye contact. If you have a spiritual belief, you can take sex to the highest Tantric level of physical, emotional and spiritual connection, where it feel like you become one with your partner.

8. If you have had a row, apologise for any of your own bad behaviour and recognise that your partner will also be feeling bad. Move towards them, forgive and re-connect as soon as you can. Start the meaningful communication about what lies at the heart of the argument.

9. If you are having really big problems in your relationship and you believe in a higher or spiritual power, then ask for help and guidance. In this way you will find the inspiration to work through the most tragic or painful situations. If you do not have a spiritual or religious belief, ask for help from your higher or intuitive mind.

10. Relationships fail because we allow a distance to appear between us and our partner. What we give in a relationship is what we receive. How much are you unconditionally giving to your partner? Give to your partner without any expectation of receiving and you will soon find that the joy and love returns to the relationship.

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When you know that you have found the perfect woman for you, make sure that she feels the same about you. You are crazy about her and want to make her feel happy with you, that’s why you are ready to make all the sacrifices to impress her, to show her how much you care about her, or to not permit that routine to come into your relationship.

With all this sacrifices to show her your feelings, to keep your relationship as cool as it was at the beginning, you feel that you have to make something more interesting. That’s why you should induce “magic “ into your relationship even if you are hopeless romantic or not. To add more intimacy, love, understanding and compassion in any relationship is always welcome.

So, here are some magical things to do in order to impress your partner in a good way and increase your relationship:

1.Surprise her by taking her lunch and coffee at bed right after she woke up; if you didn’t do this before she will definitely be impressed; also cooking a pizza for her and cut it in a heart shape it is very romantic; a woman will always find interesting a man who is able to cook for her, no matter what kind of food it is; even if it wouldn’t be too tasty, she will appreciate that you have tried.

2.Set up a picnic in the park; even it is an usually day, prepare all you need for a picnic, go get your girlfriend and go for a walk; don’t tell her from the beginning what you plan to, let it be a surprise; a ‘ going out’ at a picnic in the fresh air is always welcome and relaxing.

3.Send her flowers anytime and anywhere, that is unexpected; women love flowers, so sending her flowers without any reason will demonstrate her that you really care about and make her feel loved and special; the most probably that she will answer you with the same love you show her.

4.Fill her apartment with balloons or something she likes, maybe it’s a crazy idea, but it usually works to impress girls; it will be seen as a funny thing by your partner and remember that some fun is necessary in any relationship.

5.If you are good at writing, write her a poem, or create a book for her with a special dedication; this will definitely work if she love poems; don’t begin to write a poem only if you know that you are good at it, other way you will screw up.

6.Reading romantic poetry in the middle of the living room on a blanket in soft candlelight, it is a very good way to offer your partner a wonderful evening; women are often more romantic than men, that’s why they like to be surprised by men with romantic ideas.

7.Massages are always magic when done right; buying different flavored edible bars to experiment with each other can be more surprising; but if you are not good at making massage, go to a spa together and get a couples massage together.

8.Go for a romantic meal; make reservations at a beautiful restaurant and create a romantic atmosphere with candles, roses and slow music; offer her a night to never forget.

9.Going for a walk at night and looking at the stars and moon is almost such romantic as the restaurant, and is cheapest; so it is not necessary to have a lot of money to offer your partner a lovely evening; it can be very interesting.

10.If you can afford it, take her in holiday in an exotic place, like a beautiful island, only you two alone, with sunshine and plenty of water, where you will spend a wonderful time together, and will not be disturb by friends, family, relatives.

11.But, if you can’t afford to go in a exotic place, to the sea, there’s no problem; bubble baths together are always magic times;

12.Surprise visits; surprise her with your visits when she is not expecting at all; while you are able to surprise her in a good way, she will not
lose interest in you.

13.Don’t be afraid to talk sweet nothings into her ear; make the woman feel good by saying sweet and romantic things to her at any given time; as I  said, women love romance.

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What’s the key to a successful relationship? Some might think that’s the million dollar question. Sometimes it’s just the simple things, that we easily forget or think are unimportant that hold the key to a healthy and happy relationship. Read through the helpful tips below on how to make your relationship go the distance.

1. Without quality time together, your relationship will not survive. Aim to devote at least half an hour a night, and at least one day a month when the two of you spend time exclusively together.

2. You both want to feel secure within the relationship. A good relationship is built on compromise and a lot of give and take from both of you.

3. Often those little things that first attracted you to your partner can turn into nasty annoying habits. Learn to love your partner warts and all. Don’t try to change them into something they’re not, after all you fell in love with them just the way they were.

4. Money is one of the top conflicts between most couples. For the relationship to work, you need to address your finances and maybe even work out a budget.

5. Learn to argue well. Never say something to your partner that you wouldn’t want to hear said back. Just remember, the one good thing they say about arguing, is the making up afterwards.

6. Communication is vital to all healthy relationships. Listen to your partner and avoid blame and judgement. Don’t let your emotions dictate your behaviour. Remember just talking things over can help you to both have a deeper understanding of each other.

7. Sort out your sex life, it may start to go downhill over the years, don’t just accept it. As soon as you notice it, address it with your partner and work out why, and what to do to bring back the passion. Maybe one of your prefers more sex than the other. Why not experiment with new ideas in the bedroom. Role play, dressing up, or maybe take your sex life out of the
bedroom and try new places. The introduction of marital aids into the relationship can also help to spice things up. Whatever you decide, remember communication is vital.

8. Try to keep your dependence and independence in balance. Tell your partner how much you need them, but don’t get to dependent on them and cling to them all the time, as that can make your partner feel trapped. On the flip side of this, don’t allow your partner to think you don’t need them, by going or doing things without them. Try to keep a happy and healthy balance
between the two.

9.Learn to forgive. If you know you will never forgive your partner over something important, and feel the trust can never be regained then give yourself, and him a break and start again, with someone new.

10. Don’t ever think that going to counselling is a sign of a failed relationship. It can turna bad relationship around and can also turn an average relationship into an excellent one. More and more people are turning to counselling today than ever, it shows you are both prepared
to try and make things better, which can’t be a bad thing at all.

The fact remains, that whether you’re dating or married, relationships are hard. It takes 100% commitment from both of you. However, healthy and long-lasting relationships are achievable and many couples have proven just that. Not everything is always going to be perfect but if you both choose to make it work then it can. And remember it’s the little things that you sometimes do that can go a long way to making your relationship work.

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Good relationships don’t just happen. I’ve heard many of my clients state that, “If I have to work at it, then it’s not the right relationship.” This is not a true statement, any more than it’s true that you don’t have to work at good physical health through exercise, eating well, and stress reduction.

I’ve discovered, in the 35 years that I’ve been counseling couples, 7 choices you can make that will not only improve your relationship, but can turn a failing relationship into a successful one.

TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOURSELF

This is the most important choice you can make to improve your relationship. This means that you learn how to take responsibility for your own feelings and needs. This means that instead of trying to get your partner to make you feel happy and secure, you learn how to do this for yourself through your own thoughts and actions. This means learning to treat yourself with kindness, caring, compassion, and acceptance instead of self-judgment. Self-judgment will always make you feel unhappy and insecure, no matter how wonderfully your partner is treating you.

For example, instead of getting angry at your partner for your feelings of abandonment when he or she is late, preoccupied and not listening to you, not turned on sexually, and so on, you would explore your own feelings of abandonment and discover how you might be abandoning yourself.

When you learn how to take full, 100% responsibility for yourself, then you stop blaming your partner for your upsets. Since blaming one’s partner for one’s own unhappiness is the number one cause of relationship problems, learning how to take loving care of yourself is vital to a good relationship.

KINDNESS, COMPASSION, ACCEPTANCE

Treat others the way you want to be treated. This is the essence of a truly spiritual life. We all yearn to be treated lovingly – with kindness, compassion, understanding, and acceptance. We need to treat ourselves this way, and we need to treat our partner and others this way. Relationships flourish when both people treat each other with kindness. While there are no guarantees, often treating another with kindness brings kindness in return. If your partner is consistently angry, judgmental, uncaring and unkind, then you need to focus on what would be loving to yourself rather than reverting to anger, blame, judgment, withdrawal, resistance, or compliance. Kindness to others does not mean sacrificing yourself. Always remember that taking responsibility for yourself rather than blaming others is the most important thing you can do. If you are consistently kind to yourself and your partner, and your partner is consistently angry, blaming, withdrawn and unavailable, then you either have to accept a distant relationship, or you need to leave the relationship. You cannot make your partner change – you can only change yourself.

LEARNING INSTEAD OF CONTROLLING

When conflict occurs, you always have two choices regarding how to handle the conflict: you can open to learning about yourself and your partner and discover the deeper issues of the conflict, or you can try to win, or at least not lose, through some form of controlling behavior. We’ve all learning many overt and subtle ways of trying to control others into behaving the way we want: anger, blame, judgment, niceness, compliance, caretaking, resistance, withdrawal of love, explaining, teaching, defending, lying, denying, and so on. All the ways we try to control create even more conflict. Remembering to learn instead of control is a vital part of improving your relationship.

For example, most people have two major fears that become activated in relationships: the fear of abandonment – of losing the other - and the fear of engulfment – of losing oneself. When these fears get activated, most people immediately protect themselves against these fears with their controlling behavior. But if you chose to learn about your fears instead of attempt to control your partner, your fear would eventually heal. This is how we grow emotionally and spiritually – by learning instead of controlling.

CREATE DATE TIMES

When people first fall in love, they make time for each other. Then, especially after getting married, they get busy. Relationships need time to thrive. It is vitally important to set aside specific times to be together – to talk, play, make love. Intimacy cannot be maintained without time together.

GRATITUDE INSTEAD OF COMPLAINTS

Positive energy flows between two people when there is an “attitude of gratitude.” Constant complaints creates a heavy, negative energy, which is not fun to be around. Practice being grateful for what you have rather than focusing on what you don’t have. Complaints create stress, while gratitude creates inner peace, so gratitude creates not only emotional and relationship health, but physical health as well.

FUN AND PLAY

We all know that “work without play makes Jack a dull boy.” Work without play makes for dull relationships as well. Relationships flourish when people laugh together, play together, and when humor is a part of everyday life. Stop taking everything so seriously and learn to see the funny side of life. Intimacy flourishes when there is lightness of being, not when everything is heavy.

SERVICE

A wonderful way of creating intimacy is to do service projects together. Giving to others fills the heart and creates deep satisfaction in the soul. Doing service moves you out of yourself and your own problems and supports a broader, more spiritual view of life.

If you and your partner agree to these 7 choices, you will be amazed at the improvement in your relationship!

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A relationship should be like a flowing river. Fresh, moving around and finding ways around obstacles. Enjoying a relationship should never be like a still pond of water that just exists. A relationship should have life and should never be a compromise.

But many relationships become like a pond. They began like river but are now stationary wondering where to go, and whether to exist at all. But they continue existing without any pleasure. The main reason is the inability of partners to face the uncertainty of breaking the relationship.

The relationship continues because the partners don’t want to face the future alone. They are tired of it and worried that they will undergo more pain if they break the relationship. They neither try to refresh the relationship nor break it. There lies the heart of the matter.

What should they do? They should sit together, talk about the stagnation in the relationship, and talk about how to give it a new life. If they decide that it will not be possible, they should break up and look towards a better future. A relationship without pleasure will break up any way after some years. By that time, lot of time would have been lost and the discord would leave a very bad stamp of experience on both the partners. Better to control the disease in time.

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Relationship crises (break-up, affair, huge conflict, children problems) demand tremendous energy and often throw our lives off a healthy track - which further perpetuates our inability to respond in a healthy way to the crisis.

Don’t forget your body while you wrestle with a relationship or marital crisis.

It is easy to let yourself go. It is easy to postpone - I will start tomorrow - your walking, running or workout. Your preoccupation with the other person floods your life, leaving little room for anything else. Or, you find yourself so overwrought that it seems impossible to “talk yourself” into getting started.

But, exercise and nutrition are powerful tools to help yourself at this point. Here are 6 reasons why:

1. Exercise and attention to your nutrition shift your focus to you. Exclusive focus on the other person atrophies your spirit, your energy, productivity, your healthy emotions and your body. You fade. You diminish. You become less than you truly are. So much of my work with others is helping them begin to think about themselves and take action for themselves. This is a major move. And it can begin by focusing on your body. It is the best, most practical place to begin. Your body is basic. It is a huge part of you. Begin paying attention to it.

2. Focusing on the body, using it, stimulating it, making it stretch and sweat is a great way to reduce stress. I’m not an expert here, but I understand it kicks in healthy body chemicals and cleanses some of the toxins - calming your mind, heart and soul.

3. Your confidence grows as you begin to manage your body and see changes in its endurance, strength and beauty. You begin to think better thoughts about yourself. Self-care can result in a minor miracle in terms of your perception of yourself.

4. You will begin to think of yourself as more desirable and sexy. Your sense of sexiness may be at risk. It may be on the line. It may be called into question. Doubts abound. It is a complicated and powerful issue in our culture. (Watch a few commercials on TV.) Exercise and physical health cuts through the doubts. Being physically healthy is sexy. You feel more sexual and you become more desirable.

5. Physical fitness is one of the first steps to becoming highly attractive and exerting your personal power. Once you believe and act attractive, the power of the relationship or marital crisis will lessen in your life. It actually might seem rather juvenile. Yes, there is more to attractiveness than looking great. But, we begin by honing our body, working it and caring for it. This builds the foundation for other forms of attractiveness and personal power.

6. You assume control. You may feel, as a result of the relationship crisis in your life, that you have little control or influence. It seems to become a waiting game. You wait for the other person. This other person or the situation seemingly dictates your every move and thought. You feel paralyzed. When you begin to move your body, you take control. Getting on a great exercise, fitness program makes you the master of that part of your life. You are in control. That feels good. That is good.

Beginning an exercise/fitness program in the midst of a relationship crisis is easier said than done. Usually we need support, encouragement or some sort of structure to get us moving. We have good intentions, but the follow through is lacking.

You have no further to look than online. There are great sites on the web that help you get started, offer encouragement and resources and keep you motivated and on track. Take advantage of these resources

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I was watching him. Sometimes, he was giving a faint smile. Then he started looking at the ceiling and then started changing his feet position while sitting. After that he was sitting still for some more time. Then he got up and left the room.

Do you also observe your partner carefully? What do you know about what might be going in his/her mind? Can you predict about her/his thoughts? Many of us believe that we know about our partners and that we are very close. But if your partner sits across you and thinks of something with matching body movements, would you be able to guess about what was in his/her mind? I bet, most of you will fail. I feel very sad saying this, but the truth is that most of us will fail. Why do not you ask your partner to predict about what is in your mind? You will find out yourself. This is tragic for our relationships. Let me tell you how.

As long as the relationship is going very strong, nothing matters. But after few years, cracks appear for different reasons. Those who have the understanding about their partners mind can take care of that misunderstanding quickly. Others never get a hint that something is boiling. They realize only after a lot is lost.

Please find out more about each other when the going is good. Play this game of I guess, you guess regularly. This will help you more about understanding each other and will stop any crisis mid way.

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One of the challenges of even the strongest long-term relationship is the difficulty in keeping things fresh and new. We are creatures of habit, developing routines that work for us without our having to think about it. It allows us to move through fast-paced lives without having to make every little decision on a daily basis. We don’t want to stop and think about which sock to put on first, which way to drive to work, what kind of gas to put in our car, how to stack the dishwasher or fold our clothes.

Habits make life so much more simple that it frees up our energies to confront the big decisions and problems we have to face. However, habits also distance us from what we do because our mind is not engaged, When someone else points out that we “always” do something a certain way, we are amazed because we are unaware. Once we’ve moved beyond the adolescent and young adult experimentation phase, we tend to fall into the rut of wearing our hair a certain way, how we put on our makeup, the kind of television shows we watch, the choice of foods we eat, and the lifestyle we pursue.

That is why the sneaky marketing men aim their message at young age groups who are the ones most likely to try something different. The size and the purchasing power of the baby boomers may be extraordinarily large but they are seldom targeted by major advertising campaigns because they are comfortable with the choices they have made and are unlikely to really hear messages about alternatives in which they have little interest.

Within our lasting relationships, we also fall into habits. They range from unwavering go-to-bed-at-night and get-up-in-the-morning routines to the day of the week we go out, the restaurants we frequent, and the way we communicate (or fail to communicate) with each other. We are so used to being around our partner that, despite the affection we may feel, we stop seeing each other with the wonder and appreciation we felt in those first heady months.

Shaking up our lives by dumping old habits can make us feel younger and alive. Changing our appearance, even a few times a month, makes us look at each other through new eyes and makes us focus on each other in a different way.

Women can more easily and radically change their looks because female hairstyles are so much more varied than those of men. A wig (or several), in a totally different color, with appropriate makeup adjustments, can affect your response to each other. A man can temporarily grow a moustache, a beard, or sideburns, and elicit new attention from his surprised wife. An outrageous new piece of clothing for a special date can transform your interaction with each other.

Many of us love costume parties whether something dramatic at Halloween or an only-black-and-white graphics event or a get together with friends wearing the clothes we loved in high school.

Be creative! If you usually dine out in business attire, get some cowboy gear and go to a western saloon for some line dancing. If your usual night out is at a bowling alley, dress to the nines and have a drink at the most expensive hotel in your area, rubbing shoulders with the movers and shakers. Try a latino nightclub, hot dogs on the pier, or drinks with fruit and little umbrellas at a sushi bar. Dress in your skuzziest clothes and visit a luxury car showroom to laugh at the consternation you cause. Use that tux you rented for your niece’s wedding when you visit the local pizza parlor and see the buzz you create.

The city of Las Vegas has a wonderful ad campaign about “What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.” It speaks to our desire to do something totally different and outrageous to escape the paralyzing pastry of our normalcy - but with the assurance that we can return without ill effects, no burned bridges forcing permanent change.

Shaking up our appearance can shake up our partner and our mutual interactions. Do it for the excitement and do it for the fun. As another ad campaign suggests, “Just do it.”

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